


Rating

by Anonymous



Series: Steve Does Fanfiction [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Writing & Publishing, Dialogue-Only, Everyone writes fanfiction, Inspired by Fanfiction, Social commentary?, Tony Being Tony, nah, poor steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 01:33:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2048217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Steve wants to do is post his first story. Tony gives him advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rating

“Rate it ‘E’.”

“I…what?”

“The rating section. Don’t leave it blank, that’s like a tease. You don’t want to tease your readers, Steven, that’s rude. Very un-American. Captain America can’t be un-American. Rate it ‘E’.”

“E means “Explicit”, Tony.”

“Exactly.”

“ _There’s nothing explicit in my story.”_

“Explicit could mean language. Explicit language, Cap. Like “fucking douchebag cock sucking piece of shit cunt”. See?”

“How is that not being a tease? And my story doesn’t have language like that.”

“You say “fuck”. Right there, I can literally read the word “fuck” on your screen. God, Cap, the first paragraph, really? That early?”

“ _Tony_.”

“Look, hey, it’s your story. I’m just saying, G-T ratings? Not generally read unless they’re like, super long. And yours is … not so long.”

“It’s seven-thousand and eighty-eight words _long_.”

“Pft. That’s not even one-shot length. That’s like … if one-shot and drabble had a baby. A baby that couldn’t breed with other one-shot and drabble babies. A mule. Steve. You wrote a mule.”

“… You talk and I don’t understand. It’s a common problem I have with you, and I don’t think it’s just me.”

“Alright, fine, understand this. Fanfictions on this particular site, as a rule, do not generally get read unless they have a rating that suggests that there could possibly be sex somewhere inside. Preferably descriptive, hardcore sex, but if the content is good, you can get away with the love-making sex. As long as you use the word “dick” or “cock”. For God’s sake, don’t say _penis_ unless it’s a medical kink story or something, it’s such a turn-off. Ruins the mood. Pew, gone, you’re dead. Or rather the story’s dead. All dead. Gone. No kudos for you-”

“Oh, my _God_.”

“-no comments, no reviews, no critiques. Maybe you’ll get some hits, because you have a pairing – oh, good, that’s your pairing? I ship that pairing – but do you _know_ the feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing you’ll develop when you have one-hundred hits and _no kudos?_ ”

“Tony.”

“You’ll be sitting there, wondering if they even read it-.”

“ _Tony_.”

“If they finished it. If it was because you didn’t have a sex scene that no one _liked it-.”_

**_“Tony.”_ **

“Yes, Steve?”

“I’m not rating my story as “Explicit” just to get reads, especially when I _do not have a sex scene in it. Alright?”_

“Ugh. Fine. It’s your funeral. The funeral of Steve’s career, because he wouldn’t trick people into opening his story. The funeral of this _story_ , because you didn’t give it a fair shot of getting through the gate. Hey, wait. No, hold on, I’m having a stroke of genius. Oh, _ahh. So good. So … fuck, so good._ How many times did you use the word “fuck” in those seven-thousand and eighty-eight words?”

“Uh… over twenty, maybe? Pretty sure.”

“Saying “fuck” twice in a movie is enough to get it an ‘R’ rating. There. Now you have to rate it “Mature”. Not quite “Explicit”, but it’ll do.”

“For the last time, Tony, I’m not-“

_“You used mature language in your story, Steve. Rate it properly.”_

“Okay, geeze, fine! There! Mature rating, happy?”

“Enough. For now. I’ll let you know.”

“God, do you hover over Bruce like this?”

“No. Bruce wears headphones when he writes; blares music loud enough to make _my_ ears bleed. Plus, he writes sex in his stories.”

“He…he does? Bruce? Our Bruce?”

“ _Ours_ , Cap? Threesome, we can work that. Anyway, yeah. But he writes that long shit, you know – thirty-plus chapters of long shit? So he can get away with the Mature ratings and the love-making sex scenes. Bastard.”

“…”

“What? Don’t look at me like that. I’m just trying to help you be successful on this site! Giving you tips from a pro. I’ve got loads of kudos. PWP, baby. They love it. _I_ love it.”

“Natasha and Clint don’t rate their stories.”

“They write grotesque psychological horrors that make you cry and see figures in the shadows of your room at night that are _sometimes actually them_. Trust me. They don’t need to.”


End file.
